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Walking a Tightrope

Writer's picture: MaiMai

I've been thinking about tightropes lately. Our household caught covid. Over Christmas. As disappointing as that was, I was left to face my biggest anxiety trigger: The household getting sick. No, my trigger isn't the fear of dying, it's simply being sick. Being trapped in a moment of misery with no way out. My loved ones have been amazing, knowing this is my biggest trigger, they have been checking in on me.

The funny thing is, everyone worries about you while you are going through it. Once the crisis is over, people return to normal functioning. The worst part of my anxiety happens in the aftermath. People ask me "how I am doing" as I'm going through it. I can't really say. I only know how well I did once its' over. You know when the performer takes that first step onto the tight rope, and the audience collectively holds their breath? That is how I have always handled crisis. Bear down, hang on tight, and hold my breath. I go into performance mode, doing all I can to make the experience easier. People would watch me in awe and praise my "calmness"- It's really not calmness though. It's suppression.

When the acrobat takes the last step off the rope, safely onto the platform, everyone breathes again. As soon as I let go, my body takes over. All the anxiety I was suppressing comes out at once. When my household gets sick, I get sick twice. Once with illness, and then once with anxiety. A tightrope artist doesn't hold their breath. They build skills to combat the challenge in a graceful dance. I've been intensely building my own skills over the last couple of years. I'm not skilled enough to remove the safety net, however. I can say I'm more emotionally healthy now than I was 10 years ago. That will have to be enough. At least for now.


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